♪ ♪ I used to be the queen of the music scene ♪
♪ Cristal, Prada, Limousines. ♪
♪ I was living large 'til trouble found me. ♪
♪ Found me. ♪
♪ And now I'm stuck in hell, suburbia, ♪
♪ never knew what two kids could do to ya ♪
♪ Soccer moms and carpools make me... ♪
♪ SCREAM! ♪
♪ (Screams) ♪
♪ This is gonna be tough, but I gotta ♪
♪ Mother... Mother Up! ♪
♪
What the hell?
(Beep, phone rings)
Greg! Help - choking!
(phone beeps)
♪
(Effort grunts)
J-move... J-move! J-move!
(Effort grunts)
Oh my - But it's day time.
(Effort grunts)
Wait, we weren't doing that.
She's going to live!
I'm choking on this stupidly addictive game
and I need help.
I'm going to show you part of the picture and you have
to guess whether it's a picture of a mule or
one of the cast members from The View.
Oh, that doesn't sound very nice.
It's okay, a gas station attendant told me
famous people don't have feelings.
That looks like part of a hat so ...
The View? - Wrong.
♪
Aw, cute.
There's nothing cute about me getting screwed by a mule!
What are you doing here anyway?
You asked me to take Dick and Apple to school this morning.
Morning? Dammit.
(Growling) - (Grunts)
Apple wake up!
He's back and he's got a friend.
(Growling)
Miss Belfonte, we've been here all night.
We almost died. Call our mom?
You're not my responsibility until the bell rings.
Work it out.
Hey, Ernesto.
(inflating sounds)
How'd you like to put your mop in a different bucket?
... if you know what I mean.
I mean my downstairs lady business.
(Deflating squeak)
Do you think he's playing hard to get?
Hey, kids.
Mom!
Rats tried to murder us and a teacher talked about
her lady business and that made me feel throw-upy.
Where were you? - Busy parenting.
It's my job to teach you independence so you grow up
strong and confident.
Eventually you'll look back at the time I left you
at the school all night and thank me.
Hi, Mommy.
Hey Apple, you okay? - Yup.
I love being at school.
That's weird, but okay.
So, here's your breakfast since you won't have time
to go home before school starts.
And I asked them to put in extra wipes
so you could shower too.
You just squirt some of the cleaner and then use
the cloth to wipe it away.
Oh! I'm starting to get it
but maybe show me one more time.
And, When you've done that, can you show me how
the suck machine works again?
(Sighs)
You mind if I hang out here for awhile?
Joel needs a little quiet time to do anger therapy exercises.
Ah!
♪ (Angry music) ♪
So were Dick and Apple okay?
They must have been scared.
Dick was a mess.
For a kid from New York he sure is afraid of rats.
Apple was totally cool with it, though.
Really? Kids her age usually hate being away
from their moms for that long.
In Maori culture there's a word for that but
I don't know what it is.
Apple used to be all clingy like -
mommy, watch me do this; mommy, brush my hair;
mommy, I need to eat.
I couldn't take two steps without tripping over her.
Then Bam! Everything changed and now she just wants
to spend all her time at school.
What? I saw that look.
Don't keep secrets. I don't like that.
Don't you remember when you were a kid,
you never spent extra time at school
unless there was a bad reason.
As if Apple is sleeping with her science teacher
to get a better grade? She's only six-ish.
When a child displays radically different behavior
there's always an underlying reason.
All signs point to a neurological reaction from
a spider bite which has rewired her brain.
Now I don't normally believe in zombies
but I gotta say...
Apple's up to something and I need to find out what.
Just talk to her.
Too soon.
You never go into a meeting without digging
through your opponent's background.
It's called leverage and I'm going to get some.
How?
The way any good parent would.
I'm going to stalk my child and film her.
♪
Ah!
This feels kind of creepy.
There's nothing creepy about hiding outside a
school and secretly filming children.
What do you think she's doing?
Who the hell knows what she's mixed up with,
a boy, gambling, meth lab.
Oooh! There she is.
♪
The game is afoot.
Running with a gang. I should have known.
♪
Hey Dick, who's Apple hanging out with at school?
She plays in the lobby by herself a lot.
So you never see her hanging out with other kids,
maybe they dress the same, push people around a little.
Is she flashing large amounts of cash she can't explain?
Umm, no, none of that.
Huh. Weird.
What about you? Who are you hanging out with?
Travis hit me in my wiener with a football,
does that count?
Look, you need to make friends.
School is like prison, you need a group
to belong to for protection.
The loner always gets shanked first.
Thanks Mom. I'll google 'shanked'.
Join a club, do some research.
You don't want to be the little boy who gets
stabbed in the face.
Parenting. Never easy, but so rewarding.
I'm scared of new things.
New things are just great things
you haven't discovered yet.
(thinking) Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop.... All you need is someone to believe in you.
Make it stop. Sweet blessed Lord make it stop. ♪ Everything new, is waiting for you! ♪
Great. Loved it. You're a genius.
Hey, who do you hang around with at school?
Fergus and I are friends.
Sarah's kid, really?
Aim higher.
So, what do you do all day?
Just go to class and play at recess.
You sure that's all? - Uh-huh.
Can I finish my play now?
Oh, I'm sorry, I have a headache.
Why don't you go to the kitchen and play the
mopping game Sarah showed you?
(Typing)
(Groans) - Oh!
(Sighs) How to find a friend.
Alone... Friendless...
Looking for a solution?
Do you dream of the loyalty of a pet
combined with the fun of a real human friend?
Then dream no more!
Thanks to binge drinking in a Bulgarian genetics lab,
the "unfortunate" death of a male prostitute
and the twisted dreams of one crazy scientist -
your new best friend is only a phone call away.
Oof!
♪
Ah!
That little minx is stonewalling me.
Oh, what? ... um, can we talk later?
I'm not wearing clothes.
I gotta get inside that school but I need a reason
that's not going to raise suspicion.
She's too smart for that.
What about the parent teacher night tomorrow?
Good idea. Pretending to be interested in my kid's
school experience is the perfect cover.
Oh, and Sarah ... From a friend.
It's not the 80's anymore. Lose the perm.
(Grunts)
♪
Hey you made a friend, Dick. Good for you.
♪
Can I wait in the lobby? - No.
Stay where I can keep an eye on you.
Why don't you show me your stuff?
Fine. This is my desk.
I write on it and this is the chair I sit in.
These are my pencils, my pencil crayons,
my crayons, my erasers, my safety scissors,
my pencil case, glue stick,
my other glue stick because I thought I lost
my first glue stick but I didn't lose it,
I just forgot it was in my desk....
Ugh!
Do you want to see my artwork?
Maybe later.
(Thud)
Well just in case
you and Tweedle-dum here ever hit a rough patch.
Huh? (clicks her tongue) Huh?
(inflating sound)
Hey you, teacher person,
I need to talk to you about Apple.
She mixed up in anything? Running with a bad crowd?
Bloods, Crips, 4-H Club, honours society?
The only problem we have with her is
she never wants to go outside at recess.
Hey listen, are you married?
No. - Next!
Well you're no help.
My kid's happy and wants to spend a lot of time at
school so I want to know what's wrong.
♪
Oh, she's insane.
♪ A vending machine?
You'd rather spend time with this thing than me?
She helps me.
One time a free granola bar came out.
She's warm and she watches my plays and she lets me
hide behind her when I'm scared.
So food, comfort, attention and security,
those things are important to you?
I guess.
And you get all that from this machine?
♪
(Screams)
Hey! Nice try!
Maybe just dial it back a little, you know finesse it.
I wish the house was your face!
UUUNNNNNNNHHGGGGGG!
Hey Greg, I need a favor.
Sure. In the immortal words of Black Sabbath,
♪ "Dark hands clutch my throat/ ♪
♪ Doom descends, beckons me towards/ ♪
♪ A Favour done is it's own reward". ♪
I'm going to assume that means yes.
Agh! - (Glass shatters)
Stick with it, son.
Nothing hard ever comes easy.
STEP SON! You're not my real Dad.
If mom was still alive I'd make her leave you!
I had to move here because of you!
Now I live in Stupid-ville.
Aaahh. Kids right?
Always something. Ha ha.
But, we'll get there.
We - will - work this out.
♪
What are we doing here?
Stealing the vending machine out of the lobby.
Woah, hang on.
I'm pretty sure that's breaking the law.
No no, you're right, lets just stand by,
do nothing and just let the kids sink into a horrible cycle
of morbid obesity, childhood diabetes
and British teeth.
I sure don't want that on my hands.
Now sure we can start a petition and go speak to
the school board but that's going to take months
and all that time, children are being hurt.
Well...
Uh...
And you know what else, all those studies coming out
linking bad diet to behavior problems -
could be what's behind Joel's anger.
Let's do it. For my son.
For the sons and daughters of everyone.
This community is lucky to have you.
(Sighs) I still got it.
(Screeching tires)
(buzzing)
You came for me!
Mmmm...
♪
This is Mr. Wiggles.
I love him.
(Growls)
Me - only - one - you - love!
(knocks)
Wake up, Dick.
Time to get ready for school.
And, clean your room. It stinks in here,
we don't have a maid anymore and Sarah's busy.
Tell your new friend to pick up after himself or
you have to play at his house.
Yeah.
Kind of short changing me on the validation.
Obviously my advice helped you make a friend.
No, "thanks", no "I love you mom"?
Mommy's waiting.
(Gulp)
.... Me - only - one - love.
♪
Mommy, mommy .... Machine mommy came to live with us!
Really! That's great.
Here, go get your breakfast.
Hey Dick. Apple's making breakfast in her room,
go get some.
(Crash) - And clean that up.
Kill.
No, no no! No kill.
Mommy, will you volunteer in my class today?
Teacher said she needs help. Please?
Remember what I said about being independent
and even if I wanted to, I am super busy today
doing mom stuff.
(screeching tires)
♪
Kid's got an appetite, I'll say that.
(growls)
(effort grunts)
I love my mom. You can't kill her.
NO! NO!
Me - only - one - love.
Honestly, it's fantastic.
You really should get a vending machine for Fergus.
It listens to Apple's stories,
keeps her company, feeds her.
It's like having a nanny without all the worry
about illegal immigration.
But those are mom jobs.
Mom, Mexican, machine - who cares?
As long as the jobs get done.
Kids, come and get your supper.
♪
(changing channels)
(whistle)
(Screams) (Glass shatters)
(Thud)
(Laughs)
(Sighs)
(Knocks) Dick, you in there?
What are you doing? - Nothing!
Mommy's bored. You want to do something?
No. I have homework.
It's very heavy. I'm tired.
I'm going to bed. Good night.
Hey Apple, can I play?
Machine Mommy is already the queen.
Can I be a princess? - No, I'm the princess.
I could be another princess.
There's only one princess and one queen.
Dear machine mommy, I love you.
Here are all the things I can't wait to do with you...
♪
(Laughs)
♪ Sweet breeze of summer... ♪
♪ Wind whispering through the trees ♪
♪ I dreamt of you in a moments ♪
♪ like these... ♪
Greg, I need your help again.
As long as it's not against the law this time.
It's nothing bad like that.
I just need you to bring me a bag of live squirrels.
I thought we got rid of the vending machine to help kids?
Why would you give it to Apple?
It made sense at the time.
The point is, if the squirrels scare my daughter,
we all win and isn't that what's important?
Now who's the good mother?
Dammit, I forgot to pick up the kids again.
(Squeaking, rattling)
(Growling)
(Sighs)
♪
(Panting)
Mmm, oh...
I like how hairy you are Ernesto,
like some kind of ridiculously exaggerated Greek.
So what do you say?
You want to broom out my dusty corners?
(Groans)
What's a broad got to do to land some action?
(Honking)
Tell Mom I'll be right there.
♪
What the hell are you doing?
When are you gonna hit puberty and spend all your
time alone in your bedroom "discovering things"?
And when that happens, I'm also not going
to clean that up.
Mom, mom, can we go out for dinner tonight? Please.
I have my birthday money. I'll pay.
Why?
Just because, I mean,
to thank you for being a good mom.
Well that does make sense and you're welcome.
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Very good.
I mean, oh no, what's wrong?
(Gasps)
Quit playing in the cupboards Dick.
And no fire toys in the house.
Oh my God, what's happened?
Machine Mommy bit me.
Nobody treats my daughter like that.
It's time for you to leave.
NO!
Machine mommy is just trying to help me eat better.
There's a dead squirrel in there.
(buzzing fly)
And teach me about the cycle of life.
Machine mommy knows what's best for me.
Stop calling her that. I'm your mommy.
Get your coat, we're going out for dinner.
♪
(Growls)
No!
(Gasps)
(Growls)
♪
Oh, hello!
You must be Hugh.
I have to say your proposal came as quite the shock.
You - pretty - love.
You're not so bad yourself, all hairy and
sinewy, like a more human Italian.
(Groans)
How about we get out of here, I'm more in the mood
for some home cooking,
if you know what I mean.
You - still - best - friend -
but -me - in - love.
I understand.
You - still - kill - her -
you - kill - her.
Kill!
Gah! - (Laughing)
(Groans)
Hi, I'm Agnes. I'm in your grade at school.
How come I never see you?
I'm in the gifted class.
Oh.
Ugh, ugh!
Six summers of sports camp.
My mom says it's important to be well rounded.
♪
Bye Dick.
I'll see you at school tomorrow.
Apple ... wake up ... APPLE!
Machine mommy?
Don't call me that.
I don't want to be your machine mommy.
But why?
You're not cool and your plays
are pedantic and derivative.
MOMMY!
What's the matter, sweetie.
Machine mommy is mean
and she called me names.
What!
She doesn't like playing with me.
You listen to me, honey.
You are a great little girl with a great imagination
and there is nothing wrong with the way you look.
She didn't say anything about that.
And why would she? You're beautiful ...
Now come on, let real Mommy show you
what she does to machines that make fun
of her little girl.
Nobody, and I mean nobody,
treats my daughter that way.
(grunt)
That a girl.
AAAAAHHHHHH!
You can sleep with me until Greg gets rid of
machine mommy and her squirrels.
Thanks mommy.
(Squeaking) Hm, mule?
Right ... now this one.
Hm, uh...?
The View.
Good for you.
Come on.
Come here, squirrelly, squirrelly, squirrelly...
Why does that mule look so old?
That's not a mule.
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Call 9-1-1, Call 9-1-1
AAAHHHHHHHHH
♪
♪ Sweet breeze of summer ♪
♪ wind whispering through the trees ♪
♪ I dreamt of you in moments ♪
♪ like these ♪
♪